The Ugly Truth About The Upfronts, According to Jimmy ‘Papa John’s’ Kimmel, Take 25
Jimmy KImmel at the Disney upfront. (Photo courtesy of Disney)
Upfront City, New York–Every year, we wonder if this is the last upfront. If programmatic technology will finally make it unnecessary for networks to woo human buyers and for human buyers to watch clips and pilots (and have their pictures taken with the stars of new shows) in order to determine the best homes for their clients’ advertising dollars.
Every year, Jimmy Kimmel comes to the upfront to let buyers know that what they do is fraudulent, telling their clients it’s a good idea to may higher CPMs for dwindling broadcast ratings, while giving the finger to the corporate barons who write big checks to programmers who create a lot of crap and also pay Kimmel to bring his late night act to New York each May.
This year, there seemed to be more wisdom than usual sprinkled among Kimmel’s barbs.
Kimmel took a moment to ask advertisers to support 60 Minutes and the news business.
“They deserve it. You have the power because you have the money. Support journalism. It's important, and it doesn't work without you,” Kimmel said, receiving a round of applause from the audience.
Kimmel went back on the attack..
“We have so much amazing technology now. N ot only do we have AI, we have DAI, dynamic ad insertion, and when you see this, it is going to make you blow your ad load,’ he said. .”It won't be long before this whole event that gathers us together will be AI bots buying time on shows made by AI bots that human people watch on platforms programmed and operated by AI bots. So who wants to go up on the roof and drink some rat poison?”
Here’s what Disney Global Ad Sales Chief Rita Ferro actually said about Disney’s ad tech:
Rita Ferro (Photo courtesy of ABC)
“At Disney advertising, our mission is clear and it's to entertain our consumers with unreal content and experiences while delivering unmatched value for all of you,” Ferro said.
“To truly reach audiences and be a real brand value, you need three things, an unrivaled content portfolio, technology built for streaming and a data infrastructure designed for outcomes. That's where the real magic happens. The combination of our world class portfolio of brands and platforms and our global technology.”
Ferro talked about the Disney Experience Composer, which helps , brands meet the moment with scalable ad formats optimized for streaming. “Advertisers can test and refine their creative using real time insights, maximizing the value of every impression,” she said. it's a true game changer.”
She also talked about the Disney Compass platform, which enables data collaboration, giving agencies direct access to first party data for smarter planning, deeper insights and more precise measurement, all enabled by direct connections with every major holding company,
Kimmel ran with some of that. “We are the number one multi platform network. What does that mean? We don't know, and we're hoping you don't either,” he said. .
“I might not see you again. This could be it for me. So I want you to know I've enjoyed doing this, and I've grown very fond of you. I've had the pleasure of getting to know many of you over the last 23 years,” Kimmel said. “And I also know that many of you are worried that AI may take your jobs, but I don't think it will. I don't believe a computer, even the most powerful computer in the world, will ever be able to do what you do. And you know why? Because no computer wants to do what you do. Our jobs suck,” he said.
“But at least you have the shitty jobs. All those kids who start graduating this weekend, who knows? They might not be able to get shitty jobs. Some of them might have to date Bill Belichick to make ends meet, Kimmel cracked.
“So let's not be stupid. Let's keep this gravy train rolling for as long as we can. You give us someone else's money. We put on the commercials. Everyone gets paid, and then you get drunk with Darth Vader at the party,” he said.
Speaking of Darth Vader, Kimmel lobbed a few bombs at Disney CEO Bob Iger.
“it's hard to say no when Bob Iger shows up. Bob Iger has passionately led Disney for 20 years and reluctantly for three. This is Bob's second up front appearance in a row. You think he needs to be here. He doesn't need to be here. He's got bigger things going on.” Kimmel showed a picture of Iger. “Look at this. Here he is buying a mountain. I'm kidding, the mountain was a gift from Qatar.”
Kimmel opened his appearance with a taped piece from Cedars Sinal Hospital, where Kimmel’s oldest daughter is about to have a baby.
Kimmel sees a rare opportunity. : “I couldn't help but think of what a powerful, shoppable moment this is. You were all out there looking for fresh and new ways to reach your audience, and what could be fresher and newer than a baby,” he said. “With that said, I'm pleased to present an opportunity like nothing that has ever been presented at any upfront before. I am offering naming rights to my grandchild.”
The tacky possibilities were endless..”Imagine a baby named Heinz ketchup. Imagine walking into a sandwich shop with a baby named Jersey Mike or little Marie Callender. The name doesn't even have to be a name. Got cars to sell? Say hello to Kia Sorento Kimmel. Do you smell? Rub on a little Old Spice Whole Body Deodorant Kimmel.”
Kimmel said that “never before has a member of the Disney Family offered naming rights to a member of his own family, and that's because we've never been this desperate before.”
When the taped piece came on, some in the audience assumed that Kimmel hadn’t flown from California for the event. Not true.
Kimmel acknowledged that a few days after he taped the piece, NBC's Seth Meyers also told jokes about selling the right to name his kids. Kimmel said he nearly pulled the plug on the tape, but was concerned that his co-star, Dr. Dre would not be happy. “And you know what? If Seth has a problem with it. Take it up with motherfucking Dre.”
Kimmel also noticed the Giants (and Eagles) in the room.
“I think there are more athletes here than there were at the game last night. So much sports. This is all sports. Now what happened? We used to be so gay,” Kimmel said. “I do want to thank the Manning brothers for finally answering the question, what if two jars of mayonnaise could sing? The answer is, they can't and they shouldn't that was worse than what the Menendez brothers did.”
Kimmel was amused by NBC’s plan to celebrate its 100th anniversary.
“Speaking of imminent death,” he said. “I want to wish a happy birthday to those plucky centenarians at NBC. That wrinkly peacock is 100 years old, which is amazing. NBC is finally old enough to watch CBS.”
Kimmel joked about ESPN naming its new streaming service ESPN. “You know what? It could have been worse. It could have been Versant, which is what Comcast NBCU is call its new spinofr company. “Versant is a perfect name. It already sounds like something you subscribe to by accident.”
But Kimmel really took aim at Mark Marshall, the unassuming head of ad sales at NBCU, who rode into Radio City Music Hall in a bubble from Wicked.
“Mark Marshall, seen here in a hula hoop, claimed yesterday, his network has amassed the greatest. collection of content that has ever been assembled by one media company. I guess Mark has never heard of Pornhub, although, based on the expression on his face, I feel like he has,” Kimmel joked. “But listen, Mark's personal masturbation habits are none of your business, and shame on you for even thinking about them”